


This really isn't funny.

by PossiblyHuman



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Its not really that explicit, M/M, some violence??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 16:58:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14265543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PossiblyHuman/pseuds/PossiblyHuman
Summary: Bec Noir dies. Death is a complete asshole. Spades Slick gets a dog.





	This really isn't funny.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda based off of Dianna Wynne Jones' Dogsbody, and is entirely self indulgent.

He meets his end at the hands of all of the damned brats. He refused to give up, and after trying and failing to restrain him for several months, they did what they had to. No one would mourn him. How could they? There was no one left who cared enough, and he knew that. 

Still. Dying hurt a lot more than he was prepared for.

He doesn’t expect a second chance, and he’s slightly pissed off at the way he gets one. Someone’s got a sick sense of humor.

 

**Midnight City.**

**(After the fact, but timeline-wise before the fact. Kind of. God, you hate time shenanigans.)**

 

Slick meets Beq in a dingy alley, tearing into a garbage bag with a furiosity that reminds him of himself. Intrigued, Slick buys a steak, dropping it for the dog and is pleasantly surprised when he’s followed home. 

When Slick shows up with that stray, the crew thinks he’ll spoil it rotten. And he does, at first. The jet black mutt with a thin yellow collar follows Spades Slick around all week, and Slick amuses him, feeding him scraps of his own food at the table, letting him sleep on his bed with him, and letting him sit with the rest of the gang during briefings. He dubs him ‘Beq’ when Droog finally caves and asks the “filthy creature’s” name, lips curled back in disgust. 

Beq gets his first bath that night, and Droog shuts up.

Slick tries to remove the thin yellow collar exactly once, and almost loses a hand for it. He figures its some sort of insecurity issue, and only touches it again long enough to clean under it, and to put shining dog tags on. They’re simple, but made out of a spade. No one but him would dare use that symbol in Midnight City, so he knows it’s enough to force people to back off. 

 

\--

Beq enjoys taking up space on the couch, sprawled all over Slick while he watches television. It’s a hysterical sight, especially since Beq completely dwarfs the leader of the crew, barely leaving a head to peek over the volumes of black fur. Once, Slick fell asleep, so Boxcars reached to change the channel and watch something else. Teeth closed inches from his fingers, and he whipped the hand back. The eyes glaring at Boxcars were cold and defensive, with no mercy.

No one else dares to go near the couch while Beq’s on it.

 

\--

 The first time Droog walks in on Beq’s teeth wrapped around Slick’s arm, his gun is out and he almost kills the dog. He’s partially stopped by Slick’s yelling not to, and more so by Slick moving around, making it difficult to get the shot off. Droog lowers the gun with an annoyed click of his tongue. 

“Slick, what the hell? He’s attacking you.”

“I’m teachin’ him!” Slick insists. “Release!” 

Beq releases Slick and sits. Slick’s arm is completely ripped up, but he doesn’t seem to care. He grins at Droog, proud. “See? I need him to know how hard t’bite t’keep someone in place.”

Droog bandages his arm, calls him an idiot, but lets it continue. The next time he walks in, he bandages Slick up again, lips pressed tightly together. Slick trains that dog into a killing machine. 

—

Eventually Slick gets Deuce, shaking and nervous at first (who can blame him, the dog is half Slick’s size and bigger than Deuce), to teach Beq how to track things like bombs. Deuce discovers the easy way to Beq’s heart. Just by being himself. Clearly.

 

(And sneaking him extra meat, because Deuce knows. Beq likes him a lot after this, and can often be seen as an attentive listener to Deuce’s intelligent, if scattered, ramblings about explosives.)

 

—

Things settle down, a new gang comes into town. They have a penchant for clocks and all wear a disgusting bright shade of green. The Crew as a whole hates them immediately. Slick spits about his city, and comes home with injuries every once in a while. Boxcars trips over them once a day, and notices the citizens are starting to switch to the bigger gang’s side. Deuce nervously recounts he’s being followed, and some of his bombs go missing. Droog says nothing, but his lips are pressed tighter together when anyone mentions them. The Felt starts taking out the Crew’s rivals. It’s tense.

 

—

Beq runs into Droog leaning over his owner the next week.

Droog’s holding Slick down and Beq barks and tries to rip the two apart forcibly. They weren’t doing what he expected. Droog is furious about it, while Slick just laughs, holding him back from harming his dog. He gives Beq a pat on the head, and Droog locks the dog out, then turns his fury on his boss. Slick has trouble walking the next day, but he still cracks up whenever Droog glares at Beq. 

Beq’s banished to the hall every time Droog visits for weeks after, before Slick complains enough and Droog caves, letting him back in. There are conditions. He sits in the corner, occasionally growling, but gives up. Slick doesn’t seem to be in any danger. 

Next time Droog visits, Beq jumps off Slick’s bed and lays on the floor, looking up at the two. He doesn’t interrupt them again.

—

It isn’t long before Slick brings Beq on some jobs. Droog protests it, and so does Boxcars, surprisingly. Droog it’s a tactically stupid decision to bring a pet, Boxcars is afraid the dog will die. 

Beq is a stunning sidekick to the infamous Midnight Crew. He is fantastically well trained, and a complete killing machine, thanks to Slick and Deuce. His usefulness is eventually recognized by them all. Yes, even Droog.

 

—

 

Boxcars is not very close with Beq. The two have mutual distance and respect. He’s badly allergic, so Beq stays away from him and his things. Boxcars tries not to trample him in return. But Boxcars knows his boss, and he can see how easily Slick loves this dog. He knows the Crew is not prepared for the fallout if the dog gets killed. Boxcars knows he’ll have to provide support to all of them if that happens.

Turns out he’s right. Sort of. He wishes he wasn’t.

Beq gets shot and slashed in the same night. He jumps in front of Slick to do it. Beq loses his right eye, opposite of Slick’s left. He almost dies right then and there, to the sounds of Slick furiously stabbing the corpse that shot him, Droog’s even voice trying to calm Slick, and Deuce’s crying. He feels Boxcars wrap him in his coat before blacking out.

Beq wakes up back at the hideout, post surgery, bandaged. Slick is a furious (but relieved) wreck, and Deuce cries again.

Boxcars puts his foot down, much to everyone’s shock. Beq’s not allowed on any more offcial missions, becoming the hideout’s guard dog at night, and Slick’s guard by day.

—

Slick likes to talk to Beq. It’s more rambling his plans or current fury out loud. Rhetorical questions followed by a scratch behind the ears. Beq puts up with it, and usually gets some extra food for his troubles.

—

One day, Beq disappears.

Slick is inconsolable, and tears the city apart trying to find him. Deuce and Boxcars try their best to help, and when they aren’t helping, they make themselves scarce. Droog and him fight, and Slick says some shit he regrets. His second doesn’t talk to him for days.

The Felt take advantage of that, somehow sensing the Crew’s having a weak moment. They seize more and more of the city, and attack the Crew when they’re divided. Boxcars is out of town. They almost get Deuce while he’s alone one day.

Eventually, Slick’s forced to move on. He bites the bullet himself, because he’s the goddamn leader. He knocks on Droog’s door, the man lets him in coldly. They both leave in a warmer state. He calls Boxcars, and pulls Deuce out of his sulky pillow fort. 

A few hours later and they’re back to almost normal. They steadily take back their parts of the city. The Felt attacks his favorite Casino. Slick turns his rage on them. The Crew is happy to oblige. 

They corner and kill Crowbar, Matchsticks, and Quarters. That’s not enough.

They kill all the Felt.

Slick loses the Crew.

He kills Snowman. He meets an orange guy and his very pretty assistant. He revives the Felt, angry he can’t revive the Crew. He saves a kid from an English-fied version of himself, knowing he’s jumping right in the way.

He loses his head.

\--

“This is your second chance.” Death explains, holding a suspicious yellow ring in his hands.

Bec Noir eyes it, and smacks his teacup back into the dish. It breaks. “I’m done with rings, fuck that.”

Death gives him a sympathetic look. Or at least a vaguely spacey look that could really mean anything. The ring turns into a larger loop, made of fabric.

“…What.” Bec asks, confused.

"It's a collar."

Bec just stares, more confused.

“It’s either this, or you wait here until I figure out where I’m going to put you.” Death looks at the broken pieces, and off into the millions of souls he’s still sorting thanks to the man in front of him. “And you’ve really made it so hard for me. I might just throw you in the outer ring.”

“What do you mean? What does the collar mean?”

Death gives him another vague look.

“…I don’t want to go to the outer ring.”

“Oh, good. That’s that, then.”

 

**Midnight City.**

**(And we’re back again.)**

 

Slick meets Beq in a dingy alley, tearing into some garbage. He thinks he’s looking for food and goes off. Really, the dog is furious at fate and taking it out on what he can.

His name is Bec Noir, and he’s trapped for a lifetime as a huge dog. Well, he’s trapped for an unspecified amount of lifetimes, until he’s earned the “afterlife.”

Death put that collar on him, and said some cryptic bullshit about not letting anyone remove it, he has to earn it coming off after he dies. He tears a bit harder into the garbage, and a steak is dropped at his feet.

Bec Noir stares at the leader of the Midnight Crew. His stomach growls, and he caves, eating the steak with a ravenous hunger. 

He’s not unable to recognize himself, even with a new name and a different stance. He goes home with ‘Spades Slick’. Who better to live out his life with than himself? Slick seems sweet on dogs, it’ll be a great idea.

—

He takes back thinking Slick is him. The man is so different from him, shaped by the different circumstances once the game started. Slick’s louder and smiles more. He’s ambitious and humorous, and easier to anger than Bec was. His favorite weapons are still knives and anything sharp, but he also carries around a horse-headed hitcher and occasionally jokes around. Bec likes him.

He also likes Slick giving him opportunites to rip into people. Even if it almost cost his life with Dignitary.

—

Speaking of Dignitary, or Diamonds Droog in this world. Bec can’t wrap his head around the idea that Slick and him are. Well the best word for it is fucking. The more complex version is that they’re together in some horrid quadrant mixture. Fuck, why? He doesn’t get it. It’s weird. And a little embarassing. Slick looks so much like Bec used to. 

When he walks in on them, Beq’s tearing them apart before he even knows he is. He gets booted into the hall for it, and he can hear them afterwards. It doesn’t make it better not to see. He tucks his paws under him and goes to sleep. 

Time passes. Bec still can’t understand it, whines about it, but he eventually begrudgingly respects it. He’s also afraid DD will kill him if he doesn’t, but hey. No one asked him. He’s just a dog.

But, Plus, he sees Droog give Slick an almost gentle kiss on the cheek. Beq sometimes catches Droog fight the fond smile down when Slick does something awful but endearing. 

Bec can deal with it. 

—

He likes Deuce. He wishes he had talked more with Droll before shit went south with the ring.

 

He also likes the extra food.

—

He’s disappointed by Boxcar’s treatment of him. He thought HB at least would get along with him, but the stupid man just had to be allergic to him.

\--

He ultimately doesn’t know why he jumps in front of Slick. Maybe he had some kind of heart, maybe it was vanity. It seems to be enough for Death, and while he’s in between life and death, he has a nice chat with him.

Seems like he’ll go to the bubbles, not straight to the terrors. He’s grateful for that, but still asks to go back and finish life with Slick first.

Death smiles.

“Don’t get all smug an’ triumphant, I just need to see how this story ends.”

Death's smile doesn't lessen.

He wakes back up as a dog, and when he sees the Midnight Crew’s reaction, he’s glad he did.

\--

He’s furious when he’s grabbed by the Felt.

He was left outside while Slick went in for a minute, lapping at a bowl of water left for him. Bec had kept his eyes and ears on the door, ready to rush in if Slick needs him. He didn’t expect to be grabbed from behind.

Bec puts up a hell of a fight for just being a dog, but he knows this gang’s going to kill him. He leaves a nasty bite on Quarters, and he’s got his teeth fixed into another’s leg when he hears the bang that jerks him back into Death’s eternal tea party. The Felt hide his dog body well.

“Welcome back.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was useless?” He snarls.

“You wanted to go back.” Death replies.

“You’re a goddamn asshole.”

Death just points behind him, at the door he came through. Bec looks. There’s a window, and he knows it’s to the living world. He watches the rest of Spades Slick’s life play out. 

Bec upends the table in a rage. Death sends him to the bubbles without another word.

\--

**Midnight City**

**After After the fact, then after it again.**

 

Slick meets Beq in a dingy alley, tear- He stops. This has already happened. Beq is no longer tearing into the garbage strewn around them. He’s no longer the mutt Slick remembers, either. Instead, he sees himself. Himself as a dog, his dog as himself. A different him. Slick looks down at his hands. One turns silver, and he jarringly loses half of his depth perception. There, at his throat, he feels a warm drip.

Oh. He’s dead. The events before his death come spiraling back to him, ending with his decaptiation to defeat a him possessed by English. Slick looks back at the dog version of himself. He’s dead as well. But there’s something familiar about him.

“Beq?” 

“Bec with a c, Slick. God fuckin’ dammit you’re as dense as me.” Bec doesn’t smile at his joke. Slick understands, what the fuck would he have to smile about? They’re both dead.

“I never spelled it, how did you know I was using a q? ...Fuck. No wonder we got along so well.”

“Yeah, no shit.” 

Slick pushes his hands deep into his pockets and frowns.

Bec cocks his head. “Are you upset I ain’t really a dog?”

“I mean? Yeah? I thought maybe.” Slick shrugs. Bec frowns, disappointed. “Doesn’t matter I guess. How’d you get stuck that way?”

“Long story, Death’s an asshole.”

“Right.”

There’s an awkward silence. It stretches a bit.

“How ‘bout I tell you everythin’, then I’ll change back into a dog.” Bec offers. Slick’s forehead furrows, unsure why he’d want to do something like that, and Bec continues quickly. “You know, we can go find your crew an’ scare th’ shit out of them when I turn back into this.”

Slick laughs, uneasily at first, then a little more steadily. They walk off, talking quietly. It’s weird at first. But they’ll work it out, because they’re both stubborn assholes and they have way too much in common. “Yeah, alright. Let’s start with why th’ hell you still look like a dog.”

“I’m so glad you pointed that out, because I have no goddamn clue.”


End file.
